


A Dream Far Too Real

by BetweenBlackandWhite



Category: Einstürzende Neubauten, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 09:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16851607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetweenBlackandWhite/pseuds/BetweenBlackandWhite
Summary: Is it a dream or reality? Nick cannot decide anymore.





	A Dream Far Too Real

The whiskey tasted sweet as it slowly glided down Nick’s throat. He had long since ignored the typewriter. He glanced at the stack of letters next to him, pushed them aside and took another sip. Nick reached for the cigarettes. Before lighting one up, he remembered that smoking was strictly forbidden in the hotel he stayed in. To avoid an unpleasant shower, he had to go down. Cautiously, he moved down the hall. Yet drunk as he was, he still bumped against the walls. Outside it was cold and he wrapped his coat around him. He wondered if Blixa was already asleep in his room or if he was still awake, reading or drinking wine. Probably both, he thought and threw the half burned down cigarette to the ground. The fresh didn’t do any good. The hallway still seemed to turn around him. 

When Nick crawled into his bed, he was freezing. He wrapped himself into his blanket as best he could. The light of a street lamp shone into the room, casting ornate shadows on the wallpaper. He looked out at a tree through the gap of the curtains, its branches cradling in the wind. A tear ran across his face and he stared at the gentle movements of the leaves. A noise from the other side of the room made him look up. Blixa stood in the bathroom door. He leaned in the door frame, then walked over to the bed, lay down and cradled Nick’s body tightly. "You're cold," Blixa said quietly, burying his face in Nick's neck. Nick did not respond. The body next to him warmed him up slowly. "I have to learn to be honest," Blixa said. Nick turned on his back and looked at Blixa. "I should have been honest from the start," he said again, tucking Nick's hair behind his ear. "That wouldn't have changed my feelings," Nick said quietly. "At least you were honest now," he added. Blixa propped up and let his face hanging over Nick's. His hair hung down like a curtain. "I can't run away forever," said Blixa. "From what?", asked Nick. "Love," replied Blixa. Before Nick could turn away from him, Blixa's hand had settled on his cheek. Once again, he felt helpless. The flood of warmth gradually drowned him. The silent face of Blixa was blurry and mixed with the shadow formations, a transformation of the stars. Blixa bent down his head and kissed Nick gently, then with a rapid increase in intensity, while Nick held on to him as if Blixa was the only thing that wasn’t moving in his chaotic world. Nick's trembling lips touched Blixa’s and allowed feelings he never knew he was capable of feeling. 

The exuberant heat turned into an all-encompassing chill. The shadow formations had conspired to destroy him. They stared almost in joy at his suffering. Whispers penetrated his ears. Hands searching, pleading, gripping, but they found nothing. Nick's thought formations fell together as he opened his eyes, freezing and without the warming body above him. All muscles pulled together. The entire house collapsed above him, the ceiling came closer and closer until he was buried under it. He couldn't help but curl himself up, make himself as small as possible. As if someone was pulling the breath out of his lungs, he ejected a mute scream. The pain was almost unbearable. As soon as he finally got back his breath, he ejected a loud cry, the body still curled up like a child. When would those dreams finally stop? Nick reached to the whiskey bottle next to the bed and emptied it. He shook. Dazed, he put his feet on the wooden floor. To the door. Just to the door. He had to make it to the door.

In a mixture of sleep and drunkenness, Nick went towards the light of the door, reached for the doorknob and stood still. His hands stroke over his glowing cheeks. There had to be a way out of these dreams, but he didn't know where to find it. Everyone and everything seemed to leave him, sooner or later he will be alone. Nick went outside his room and tried to walk towards the elevators. He pressed the button to go one level up, leaned against the mirror and waited. Whatever it was, it needed to end that night. No longer did Nick want to have these dreams. He went out of the elevator, down the hall, until he stopped. His knees suddenly felt like butter. It seemed like everything was drained in blue ink. With a loud noise, Nick fell against the door in front of him and motionless sank to the ground.

Nick's head was throbbing in pain, just like the rest of his body. He didn't have any memory of what had happened. Someone wrapped the blanked tighter around Nick's body. How had he got on that couch? He noted that he was lying on Blixa's lap, he recognized it almost immediately. It was unbearable to be so close to him, but the pain in his body forced him to remain in that very posture. Nick smelled him, felt his warmth and the rhythm of his breath. Without saying a word, Blixa drove his hand gently through Nick's hair. Nick closed his eyes again. This had to be another dream. He must lie somewhere, drunk and dreaming. The hand wandered through his hair again and again, not in straight-lines, Blixa wrapped strands around his finger and gently reached inside Nick’s hair. The warmth of the room finally warmed Nick up. He wanted the moment to never end. "Sober again?", said Blixa with an unfamiliar warm in voice. "What did you drink?", he added, letting his fingers drive around Nick's ears. "Just some whiskey." "What does some mean?" "Two bottles maybe." Blixa laughed out loud. "I call that a little much," he said and put the blanket over himself, too. Blixa's hand stroked Nick's upper arm. Nick's body was covered in goosebumps. How could something so pleasant hurt so much? "I dreamed of you," Nick said, staring into the room. "I dream about you sometimes, too," said Blixa. "Blixa, I…I fear I like you too much," Nick said in his dazed mindset. "I can’t return your feelings," Blixa said. Nick closed his eyes. Just don't cry. He just didn’t want to cry. "I can't, but I wish I could." Blixa's voice trembled unusually. Nick raised his head and sat up. Through his tousled black hair, he saw Blixa's sad face in the light of the small lamp next to them. Blixa reached for Nick's hand without looking. "I wish I could, because...," Blixa looked down shyly. ... "because ... because I feel just like you. But I can't." Nick saw Blixa wrestling with his feelings. "Why?", asked Nick and got colder again.

Blixa squeezed Nick's hand firmly into his. He propped his head on the other. His blonde hair hung down like a thin curtain. Nick's heart palpitated with fear. The dizziness he felt was almost unbearable. He had to say something, do something, but what, he didn't know. Never they had been so honest to each other and Nick feared this moment was the only possibility they had. Still, Blixa held Nick's hand and buried his face. Courage, he needed courage, he thought with his knees nervously tapping up and down. Nick took a deep breath. With a cat like motion, Nick turned and wrapped his legs around Blixa's body. Blixa looked at him terrified. Closely looking on his neck, Nick could clearly see Blixa's heart racing. Nick put his hands around Blixa's face. "You're gorgeous," Nick whispered. Blixa put a strand of Nick’s hair back in place. It was as if they were two independent galaxies, equal, connected, but still unreachable. As in slow motion, Blixa moved his hands towards Nick, placed them on his cheeks and took a deep breath. Carefully, he let his fingers wander over Nick's face. He gently touched the eyebrows, the nose, the lips. Nick closed his eyes, and let his own hands sink down weakly. A smile on his lips. Then Nick felt Blixa taking his hand and placing it on his cheek, and so Nick also began to explore Blixa's face with his hands. As he touched the tip of Blixa's nose, Blixa smiled. Again, their eyes met. Blixa's hands slowly wandered to the back of Nick's head, gently pushing it in his direction. It felt as if the outside world no longer existed and had simply melted. Hesitantly, Blixa drove his nose along that of Nick until their lips almost touched.

Nick's lips hovered over Blixa's cheek and softly stroke it. The light touch caused a lightning that ran through all his nerves, leaving his whole body shaking. "If you want me to stop, tell me now," Nick whispered. Blixa, however, remained silent. Nick let his lips gently stroke over Blixa’s ears. When he still didn't say anything, he stroked his mouth over his temples. "Or now." Nick traced the line of Blixa's cheekbone with his nose. "Or now." His lips gently touched Blixa's. "Or-" Nick wanted to repeat, but Blixa had already pulled him down to himself, and the rest of Nick's words were lost in Blixa's mouth. He kissed him gently, cautiously, but it wasn't the gentleness he wanted, not now, not after all this time. Nick knotted his fists in Blixa's shirt and pulled him more firmly against him. He groaned quietly. They rolled up to the side on the couch, knotted, still kissing. Nick kissed Blixa: Once, twice, until he had a taste and realized he would never have enough of it. Blixa's hands reached tightly into Nick's hair and Nick kissed him harder, deeper, with an urgent need that he had never experienced before. Nick's tongue glided into Blixa's mouth, gentle but demanding, and suddenly he understood why people described kissing as melting: Every square inch of his body dissolved. Nick pulled Blixa even closer to him and his heart nearly exploded. All he wanted was Blixa, that was the case in Berlin and so it was that day. The weight of Blixa's body on his felt extraordinary. He felt him, at last it was him he felt. Pressed on himself, Nick inhaled Blixa's fragrance, his shampoo and that scent he had and no other. He wanted to breathe him, lick him, eat him, drink him. His lips tasted like honey. Blixa's face had stubbles but he didn't care. He felt wonderful. Nick's hands were everywhere and all he wanted was to be closer to him, closer than they ever were.

Nick pulled Blixa on himself and thought he would never have him close enough. "This feels so good," whispered Nick. Blixa pushed him back, leaned on his elbows and looked at him. "How long did we wait for this?", he asked, stroking Nick’s pants over his hips, then his own. He carefully stroked Nick's erection before he wandered down his stomach with gentle kisses. As Blixa closed his mouth around him, Nick sighed with his eyes closed. All he could think of was how incredibly good it felt when Blixa rolled his mouth from the base to the top. "Look at me," Blixa whispered. Nick looked at him and saw that Blixa had his eyes wide open. Blixa fixed his gaze as he reopened his mouth and slid all the way down again. Nick wondered if another guy had ever asked Blixa to do that: 'I want you to look at me when you do it'. Or had he read an article: 'Ten secrets to really turn on men.' Nick laughed out loud. "What?", Blixa asked bewildered. "Shh," Nick said, pulling him back up, so they were face to face again. Nick reached for Blixa and began to gently satisfy him. Blixa’s tongue wandered along Nick's neck. Blixa forgot his facade, forgot to try to look serious, and got lost in the feeling. Nick watched as he closed his eyes as his movements got faster and faster and he felt all the muscles in Blixa's body tensing and shaking. Blixa pushed away Nick's hand, gave him a gesture with his head. Even before Nick could ask what he meant, Blixa had turned his back on him. Nick kissed his neck and let his hands drive over the pale skin of Blixa’s back. "Are you sure, that-" Nick asked, but Blixa pushed him closer to himself. After the first push, Nick had to stop, because he knew he would explode if he kept moving. He kissed his back again, then continued to move. He gasped quietly and closed his eyes. Nick placed one hand on Blixa's shoulder, the other slowly stroke over his back, from the neck to the end of the spine. "You feel so good," Nick whispered and he couldn't hold back any longer. He pushed himself deeper and faster into him. Blixa groaned. His hands held on to the armrest of the couch. "Don't stop," Blixa said quietly. Blixa's voice in his ear, kept pushing him. Suddenly Blixa let out a loud groan and almost collapsed under Nick. When Nick came, he put his lips to Blixa’s ear and whispered his name over and over again, like a song or or a prayer.

Nick wrapped his arms tightly around Blixa. "I think this blanket needs to be washed," said Blixa, laughing. Nick laughed, too. "How about cleaning us first?", he asked, gently stroking over Blixa's torso. "Together?", Blixa asked. The smile on his face revealed that it was just a rhetoric question. Blixa stood up and Nick looked at his naked body in the glow of the dim light. His pale skin was covered with scars that made him look like a hunted fox. Blixa went to the bathroom. After picking up his clothes, Nick followed him. Blixa had already turned on the shower. Nick joined him and let the warm water run down his body. "You got a few bruises from falling into my door," said Blixa, surveying him. "Do I?", asked Nick, slashing back his wet hair. "You look like an impressionistic painting," Blixa joked. "That's going to be again," said Nick. Blixa took Nick into his arms. Nick drove his hands through Blixa's hair, so they got soaked in water. Then Nick gently put his lips on Blixa's. In a strange mélange of fatigue and desire, he kissed him while the warm water covered them and united both bodies. "Can I stay tonight?", asked Nick. "Stop asking stupid questions," replied Blixa, his arms firmly wrapped around Nick.


End file.
